Hi folks
I'm really glad I've found a forum for guys on this rocky road... I seem to have spent the last month or two finding endless forums for women to share their conception/fertility woes but nothing for men, so first off a big thanks to the folks behind this forum!
Having read through some other people's stories on here I do feel a little guilty as we're right at the beginning of all of this and haven't even been told there is a problem yet, but never the less... I have been feeling pretty down about the whole thing and really wanted to find somewhere to chat with other people who had been through it all as you do end up feeling like there isn't anyone you can talk to.
So... the quick story is simple, like everyone, I've been brought up being told that pregnancy is something that happens at the drop of a hat if you look at a woman the right way and that it's a herculean struggle just to prevent it happening every time you have sex. Like everyone here I guess, it came as a hell of a shock when we decided, after being together eight years, we wanted kids.... that month after month, nothing happened.
As I said, we're not even at the 'been trying for a year' stage yet, it's been about eight months now but, I'm all too aware we're well past the average time it takes for conception and we've been doing everything right as far as I know, from me taking zinc suplements from day 1 through to both of us cutting out alcohol etc and making sure the magic happens on the right days...
I guess we're a little different than most couples in that it's actually me that is the most desperate to have kids of my own and my wife is actually far more open to adoption and other alternatives than I am... I am not sure why but I have always wanted my own kids, more than anything in the wolrd, and for as long as I can remember. It has very quickly become the most important thing in our lives and it's getting hard to think about anything else.
We haven't told any of our family or friends that we're trying which I suppose just makes it harder as there's no one to talk to...
Every day I see people walking around with babies and young children and I am starting to feel pretty upset by it... which is a shock to me. I guess everyone has those "How come everyone else has kids, even if they don't want them, and we want them and don't seem to be able to have them?" feelings... but I am concerned that if it turns out one of us does have a serious fertility problem... I don't know how that'll affect me emotionally.
Anyway, that's enough of me whining.... I guess it'd just be good to chat to other people... and see what's in store for us on the assumption it continues not to happen for us and we hit the 1yr mark and go see a doctor?
Thanks!
Ben
Hi Ben, Nice to have someone else around!
You didn't hear it from me, but I'd go and see the GP now. We did, at about ten months (I think), and I was diagnosed with a shockingly ~shockingly~ low sperm count via some very simple and relatively quick tests. I was reluctant to go and see the GP (After all, doctors, TV, the internet and everone else under the Sun says up to one year for the majority of couples, two years for the unfortunates and ... well, forever for the rest (but we don't talk about them!)) but I did for my wifes sake. And I'm very glad I did...
If it turns out there's a problem, then you know about it early... If it turns out there's not a problem then brilliant - Put off your worried to a later date.
I have to say though, reluctantly and at the risk of contradicting myself, if you do decide not to go and see the Doc you CAN take a little comfort in knowing that... well, it's true. It IS normal for many, many couples not to conceive within a few months.
I can sympathise with you so keenly. The months slip by, the periods come every time and the tests are always negative. It really saps your positivity. I can remember the day when my wife and I decided we wanted to have a family. It was like a switch being flicked. One minute we weren't trying particularly and the next it was the most important thing in the world. Hell! It became our world!
A lot of people worry about when to tell friends and family (or so my wife tells me from all of her 'girlie' support forums!) and all I can do is tell you how it went for us. We only told anyone when we knew that we (I) had a problem and then we told out parents. We told them for a few reasons... We knew we could trust them, then would care, they wouldn't kiss and tell and we knew we could rely on their support. We also knew that we may need help financially; IVF is a shockingly expensive business if you have to go private, and in my postcode you really don't have a choice!
After about three or four months of knowing we told our best friends and after our first failed cycle (when it became apparent that this is going to be a long, long term struggle for us) we told the rest of our friends.
For the record: I think we did it right. A friend of ours excitedly told us (without knowing our circumstances) that she was trying. A few months later she wasn't pregnant and seriously fed up with all of the well wishers asking how it was going... especially as at that point she knew about our predicament and was getting worried for her own fertility.
Also... you need your friends and family. Really, if you have friends and family you can trust then, when the time is right, don't be worried about telling them. They may not know what to say (Hell; no-one knows what to say, including me!) but they will listen and they will care.
The bottom line on this one is just that : you need to weigh it up and tell people when you're good and ready. Only you can make the decision, bud; sorry! I would say, though, only tell people when both you and your partner have agreed on who to tell and how to tell them. And be prepared for some strange responses ... from yourself I mean!
The weirdest thing that happened to me, was the evening my wife told her best friend. For about four months I'd barely shown any emotion about our situation (in fact, my wife was getting realy upset at my apparent lack of engagement with it) and I left her to her phone call. I sat in the bath and could only hear muffled words from downstairs. And then, when I heard my wife begin to cry, I wobbled for the first time and I cried and cried and cried...
I didn't see that one coming! I think I'd subconsciously been playing the "ME BIG STRONG MAN. ME BIG. ME STRONG. ME LOOK AFTER WOMAN BY BEING STRONG. BIG STRONG MAN BE STRONG AND NOT BE UPSET" role and, for the first time I heard my dear wife let it out to someone other than me and... like magic ... I was free from that role; someone ELSE was taking the supporting role and...
...well, it brings a tear to my eye just remembering how it felt.
Sorry. Rambling quite a lot there! ;D ;D
I hope beyond hope that for you it is nothing more complicated than waiting it out until the odds turn your way and you're succesful.
Until that time, there's always...
...MensFE!!!! (dan-da-daaaaaa!)
All the best, Ben, and good luck. I look forward to chatting in the future.
Rob
Rob... thanks so much for the reply.... can't tell you how great it is to actually talk to SOMEONE about it!
I may well make an appointment and pop down the doctors sooner rather than later...
I guess there's just that feeling that... once you go to the doctor the problem becomes all the more real... if you know what I mean.
Anyway, in the mean-time my wife's starting doing the old temperature charting thing this month so we'll see how that works out though she's been unwell this week (predicted ovulation time) so we've kinda lost a month which is a shame :-(
The first month we tried she started feeling sick every morning about four or five days before her period was due... then it got to about 4 or 5 days overdue.... we were convinced we'd managed it the first month, but then it started and we were both pretty gutted. It's been suggested to her it may have been a very early miscarriage but I dunno... the test she did the day after came up negative so I assume it probably wasn't.
But hey... on with the trying :-)
It's her and my birthday today so hopefully we can leave the baby-making aside for a day and get on with all that other 'life' stuff :-)
Ben
Well done Ben - and Rob it is so true IT TAKES A MAN TO CRY, WHAT A GUY WELLDONE.
GOOD LUCK
Cheers again all...
Well, thought I needed to post again just to update... as mentioned this is the first month my wife's started charting and, well it seems from first glance that we've been stopping four to six days before she ovulated every month except one since we started trying, seems she ovulates very late in her cycle.
Wierd but this actually seems like great news, gives some kind of reason for why it's not worked so far. That said, she has been ill this cycle so it could just be a wierd month.
For now, I'm gonna cling to the hope that this is the reason it's not worked so far and the next couple of months are gonna be the ones we get it right.
Having moved we are also gonna register with a local GP in the next week or two and I'm gonna see if I can get down to the doctor and have some tests next month if things still don't work for us.
Keeping everything crossed.
Ben
PS: IF it comes to it... does anyone know the rate of success for IVF? I have only one experience with it from friends/family and that's a close childhood friend who'se husband was found to have a low sperm count... they tried IVF and got twins, a boy and a girl on their first cycle. I know that's a rare miracle story but... it'd be interesting to know HOW rare that is.
Hi Ben
Good to have someone else on here to share our journey with.
As Rob said I would get to a doc sooner rather than later. It took us 20 months to have all tests and get to the stage of having IVF.
Even if it makes it more real then at least it will answer some questions.
I have been told that the success rate is about 20% but that varies from clinic to clinic.
Also 8 months is only a short time, it takes approx 6months-1 year for someone under 30, 1-2 years 31-35 and 3+ years for over 35 to get pregnant.
These stats aren't spot on but when you have been going through this for 3 years you tend to pick bits and bats up even if they do confuse you a little.
I sincerely hope that it works for you Ben but in the mean time you can rely on us to give you that bit of support and hopefully answer any questions that you may have.
All the best
Chris
Hi Ben
The success rate for IVF (which I hope you do not need to do) depends predominantley on the age of one's partner (female).
Just to add to the incredible support and advice already given, the clinics in the UK do differ in success rates, but only by a little (although that does not help if it fails).
The clearest way to get all the stats, (if one is able and or willing) is to go on the HFEA website (Human fertilisation and Embryology ass.) and look at the list of clinics in the UK - each clinic will have published their success rates.
However there will be an overview by the HFEA which is all the collated data from all these clinics and usually by success rates by age.
GOOD LUCK........
Cheers again all
Yeah, we'd been told 6months average and it's a problem if it hasn't happened by a year.... though opinions seem to vary. I assume those ages are for the woman? It'd be good to think it wasn't so unusual if it takes us a year or more, probably doesn't help I'm overweight too... trying to do something about that at the mo.
I'm (just) 33 and my wife is thankfully still quite young at 28, so hopefully we still have a bit of time to try all the options.
This month has now officially been a wash out... her temperature never rose so we are assuming either A: the cheap thermometer she got isn't good enough OR she didn't ovulate at all... she was ill for a week+ in the middle of it tho so maybe that's just a blip.
We are getting registered at a local GP's asap and will hopefully go in and get some tests done... to make sure.
Don't want to waste another year trying only to find there's a problem we could have found much earlier :-(
Anyway, thanks again...
Ben
ok... another update for what it's worth...
My wife's been charting again this month and using ovulation tests as well for a 'second opinion'.... we're 90% sure she DID ovulate and we did take advantage of that on the right day.... it was however very late.
By my understanding (I swear you have to get a medical degree to actually understand all this stuff) ovulation should ideally and normally be 14 days before the next period... 10 days is about the shortest it should be... looks like she ovulated between 7 days and 9 days before her next period is due... which is a little worrying but not insurmountable. If it is regularly that late... it certainly explains why it hasn't worked yet because we've not been having sex after about the '12 day before' point, so have been missing it by at least a few days every month.
That did fill me with a little hope... but another week or so to find out I guess.
Then (as mentioned in the other thread) I stupidly went and 'analysed' my own sperm and scared myself witless when I found there really weren't very many of them. I know it varies a lot from sample to sample and tbh I hadn't abstained for a few days as you're meant to... but it's still worrying.
Gonna have another look in a few days and see if it looks any healthier.
It's wierd... my first reaction was "Ooooh, look, I DO have sperm!! Woohoo!" But that was pretty quickly replaced with "ooooh... I am struggling to find many of them... is that how it should be?" which was then followed by half an hour of watching videos of samples under the microscope on YouTube and utter panic that I seemed to have about 1/10th as many as in all the samples.
Anyway... will wait and see.
Mean time I'm now on my fourth week of jogging every morning to try and loose some weight... I should probably also try and start improving my diet too.
That's about it for now...
cheers all
Ben
If you're at the point where your analysing your own ejaculate ( :o :o :o :o)... and you are registered with a doctor... and you are seriously worried... and you've got a supportive partner who's young, fit and healthy...
...Why don't you go and get checked out?
Rob.
Cheers Rob... and you are absolutely right, some wise man once said 'If in doubt, check it out' to me... I think that's probably what I'll do ;-)
I'm registering with a new doctor today/tomorrow and gonna book in to get it checked asap.
Cheers folks, will update when there's news.
Ben
Good luck.
Well... that seemed like the longest week ever...
The results are back and, I was right, unfortunately a little TOO right :-(
My prediction that based on what I could see put me at barely 2m/ml last month proved to be frighteningly accurate (maybe I should take up a career in fertility science rather than try and start a family?)
As soon as I walked through the door this morning and the doctor asked me to "Take a seat" in that slightly pittying way, I knew it wasn't going to be good news... so, here comes the science bit:
Total count: 1.4m/ml ('Extremely low' as the doctor put it)
Morphology: 14%
Motile: 23%
...I'm sure you will all know that's 'BAD' with a pretty capital 'B' :-(
So... where the hell do we go from here?
I said "Well, so long as we have a chance through IVF", the doctor mentioned in passing "Oh, the normal limit for successful IVF is 15% Morphology"
Great... so according to the 'normal' limits, even IVF is iffy.
I was prepared for bad news, or at least I thought I was.... but this has just hit me like a ton of bricks. I wasn't prepared for it to be THAT bad.
To top it all off we went to a family party at the weekend at which my uncle and niece (who has two kids) wouldn't stop telling the two of us how "Wonderful it was" to have kids and making out we were bad people for not having had kids yet, making jokes about how "Maybe you should try having sex once in a while wink wink".
Really pretty low now.
I need to start talking to some clinics, at least get their opinion on our chances given these results, and assuming my wife is A-ok.
Anyone got any recomendations for anywhere good?
Ben
We are at the Jessops Wing in Sheffield.
The clinic is top notch and some of the consultants are top notch. Ours is Professer Leger who is one of the leading fertility specialists in the country and has done a lot of research with Sir Robert Winston.
Now that you know your news your wife really needs to get checked out.
Keep your chin up Ben I know it is hard, I have experienced everything possible with friends, family and the such like.
Just remember that we are here for you.
All the best.
Chris
Here Here - all the very best.
Ah, Ben, you have to stay positive my friend!
You've had some soul destroying bad news and what you really need now is the time to come to terms with it in your own way. There's nothing right, wrong, weird or dysfunctional about how you feel and act right now and I don't care just how that is. I had a month's denial and then got angry, my wife went through an immediate grieving process. We're all different... however you feel, Ben, accept that emotion and just know that it is normal and fully justified. (I've had a couple of really judgemental people telling me how I "should" feel and act, recently, and they're wrong, just wrong, and it all stems from ignorance. You feel how you feel and that is the right way for you to feel.)
It sounds to me that you've got a really grounded and sensible attitude and mindset and I'm kind of pleased for you on that one. It is nothing but a good thing to stay logical/pragmatic and (where you can) positive... I think for the most part it'll make life easier for you but (I'm pretty sure on this one, so I'll hope you'll forgive me for being so black and white) I'm certain that your partner will gain strength and energy to continue from you because of it.
Well done, Ben, well done.
I know it's cold comfort at this precise moment, but there are wonderfiul and clever people who can do wonderful and clever things to help you. Take some comfort in that because I'm sure you're in good hands.
Anyone in the know, and that means everyone reading this (288 hits so far! See, they are out there!), is right there with you at this time. Coming to terms with the news that you are infertile or subfertile or whatever is just the most difficult thing to do, and there's no-one out there who can help... or so it seems anyway.
Like Chris says... we are here for you, we really are. We're real people in the same position as you who are rooting for you almost as much as we're rooting for ourselves... we will gain hope from each others successes and we will mourn for each others losses. From this point on, we guys are a team... so if we can help or advise or just listen in any way then we will all be reading and we'll answer when we can.
To answer your questions, my wonderful wife and I go to the Bristol Centre for Reproductive Medicine (BCRM) and I couldn't speak more highly of them. They've been very professional and competent and they've given us real belief in what they can do ... and thankfully they've given us hope for our future.**
So stay strong Ben and the very, very best of luck.
Rob
**Especially Corina the Embryologist. She's awesome! ;) ;)
...Cheers Rob, and all
tbh, I think we're gonna have to go with a London clinic or somewhere in the east, just for practical reasons of geography, though thanks for the input.
Had a bad day today, something on TV (someone taking the p*ss out of someone with fertility problems) just made me crack, spent 45 mins just sitting in the bathroom with my head in my hands... then just walked out and kept walking for about half an hour.... came home and the mrs has gone to bed... now I feel really bad for not talking about it, but just felt I needed to crawl up in a ball and just die to be honest.
I'm now having feelings that even if we were to be successful via IVF, it's 'not the same', and not as valid as concieving naturally... like we're cheating or something. I know that's insane, it's just how I'm feeling right now, like no matter what science can do to help, it doesn't change the fact there's something wrong with me. That sounds really selfish, but again, it's just how I am feeling.
Anyway.... dunno what to do now... I feel like I just want to be doing something, something other than sitting around feeling awful.
We've got to wait at least until Jan/Feb next year before we can start our first IVF cycle... for money reasons... and I'm just not sure how to go about normal life for months and months, just not knowing. I mean, at the moment i don't even know if it has any chance of working given my figures... I have no idea. And the clinics we've looked at have a 2 - 3 month waiting list just for an initial consultation... we could wait 3 months just to be told there's no hope... god I don't know if I could cope with that :-(
Anyway, I'm just rambling now.... it's late and I just feel terrible.... need some sleep I think.
Thanks all for your support.
Ben
Hi Ben,
I have been away so missed your results posting. Not at all good as you say but there are sperm and many are alive so you really need to be asking about something called ICSI - it's where a single sperm is taken and injected into your wife's egg. A bit more complex than standard IVF but has been widely used with good results.
You should also be asking the doc to just check whether there are any possible causes for the low count so you do also need to see a 'male' specialist.
Still everything to go for.
I also agree that your wife also now needs to be followed up to make sure that she is in good shape and that her eggs are likely to be good.
Sheffield is a good centre indeed but there are many others.
I realise you may already have done some of this work up, and be further forward but do keep us posted.
Rob
Thanks all
My wife's in the process of having the tests done at the mo... so fingers crossed.
I had looked into ICSI long before I got the results and knew that was the route we needed to go assuming I had a problem... so we know what's involved.
My biggest worry at the moment is cost... obviously we've looked at a number of private clincs and their prices, but are also very much aware that the price of the treatment listed is not what you end up paying, due to all the extras.
Does anyone have any real-life figures for what a private round of ICSI can cost? My wife has been on a few fertility forums and has come back with horror stories where everyone says that clinics which tell you a cycle will cost £3K end up charging £15K+ due to drugs, extras etc.... she seems to think it's impossible to get an ICSI cycle for less than £10K.
We have about £7K available, I figured that would be enough... if it's not, we may have to wait an extra year or more which would be heartbreaking.
Anyway, we have an initial appointment at one clinic in a couple of months... so we'll see what they say. I am guessing they must be able to give some kind of guestimate of what it should cost at the outset or no one would ever be able to budget for it and they'd end up with half their patients having to pull out halfway through when their money runs out?
Fingers crossed
Ben
Hi Ben
Have you thought about trying the NHS route. I know that it is a little longer in the waiting process but at least you could be saving as well and have more chances available to you.
We are currently on the waiting list for egg donation and that is going to cost £4000. We are having another try at IVF in February which is going to be about £3000.
I know that money situation is hard but I must admit that we have found it quite easy to save the money, we just cut back on the non essentials. The last thing we wanted was to start using the credit card or loans for it.
Good luck Ben
Chris
Hi Ben,
I wouldn't panic about the prices being quite that high.
None of the cycles we've had have been over £5K.
http://www.repromed.co.uk/PDfs/BCRM%20Charges%20leaflet%20Apr09.pdf
Obviously, it depends what you need.
I think you've got the fundings, there.
Rob
Dear all
The HFEA web site gives a list of all licenced clinics in the UK - all clinics will have a list of charges which they should send to you on request (see Rob's Bristol!), most differ from area to area. As some of you have pointed out the problems occurs when diagnosis is not specific and additional tests can be expensive. However your clinician will, when reccomending treatment, discuss all costs with you.
A cost which is often overlooked is the emotional cost to yourselves and your partners which sometimes can be less managable.
Amen to that.
...thanks all for the advice and thoughts...
Chris... we are possibly going the NHS route as well, but waiting list near us is over a year, so the way we are looking at it is, if we have the money to go private first and then use the NHS route as a back-up then I guess it can't hurt. I also feel a little moral obligation that, if we can afford to do it privately, we should... I am guessing the NHS have a limited budget for IVF and there are bound to be other couples out there in the same position who can't afford to go private and therefore need it more than us.
I guess we are in a lucky position, which means I should stay positive. We can (hopefully) afford to go private at least once next year at the moment without having to stretch ourselves too much or borrow money off anyone, and hopefully we'll have enough for a couple of go's the year after... that gives us some hope.
We've got price lists from a few clinics which either have good success rates or come highly recomended... whilst they do of course publish a flat cost that states 'IVF + ICSI = £3000' or whatever, several people have told us that the cost of drugs, tests, scans etc (which aren't included in that price) will double, tripple or even quadrouple that cost without any warning. It certainly seems that some clinics are out to con people by stating a flat cost for treatment and then mentioning only after treatment has started that £7000+ of 'extras' aren't included in that price and once you're committed I guess you just have to find the extra money.
Anyway.... gonna go have a couple of initial consultations with clinics and see which one we get the best feeling about. My concern was... if we only have £7K at our disposal... hitting the nightmare scenario of getting halfway through treatment and finding only then that the treatment will cost double that to complete.
I'm just being paranoid I'm sure :-)
We are having every test we could need done before we go to the clinics to save a bit of money... as I said, it's the drugs, scans etc which seem to rack up the costs on top of the basic price... you really need a medical degree to even understand the price lists! It could very well be that we may need a few of the things on them, but without knowing what they are or what they're for who knows!
I'm just waffling now... sorry.
Thanks again all for your support and advice....
I'm heading back to the doc later this week for a few more tests on me that the clinics need, and to hopefully try and get a referal to see a specialist who may be able to give me a reason for the low sperm count... there are a couple of medical things in my past which may well be responsible but it'd be good to chat to someone and get some answers.
Cheers for now!
Ben
Its good to see that you are staying positive Ben.
Chris
Do check you local NHS IVF policy, though.
We were shocked to find out that we're not allowed to have IVF here until we're 30 ... no problem, we thought, we'll get a few rounds of IVF under our belts and then when we hit the big 3 -0 we'll just hop onto the NHS list.
But it turns out that if you've had two rounds privately already our Trust won't fund anything at all.
Good design by NHS Gloucestershire to simply deny as many people funding as they can possibly get away with. *******s.
So, before you plan to go private then go NHS check out what their policy is first.
The NICE guidelines suggest couples should be able to get three rounds on the NHS... my Trust offers one. IF you are lucky enough to be accepted at all.
If you look back at my original post on my thread you'll see I wrote something about being so incenced by the "care" in the NHS that I couldn't bring myself to write about it... well I pretty much feel that way still.
Here we can pay private but also be on the NHS waiting list but as Rob says check your areas policy. Guidelines do say that you should be able to have 3 attempts but we were only allowed 1 round of IVF and 5 rounds of IUI, had we lived a few miles away we would have been entitled to the full amount.
Its all to do with the primary care trust that governs the NHS in your area. It is very complicated but the government gives guidelines and funding to the trust and then it is up to them how they divide the funds between each area of care within the trust.
Unfortuately some trusts dont give priority to our situation, not very nice but thats the way it is I'm afraid.
Do your research and work out the best options.
Hi
We fully endorse your advice Chriss and Rob, this will help many that seeks help by reading your comments.
Additional information:
You may also be aware that any couple specifically the female partner under the age of 35 yrs seeking IVF which is not available on the NHS could apply to enter onto an egg share programme.
This programme is very closley monitored and all patients "considering" this route would undertake specific and comprehensive consultation with their chosen clinician and counsellor in order that they are fully informed as to the implications: clinical, emotional, practical, and ledgislations.
This programme (in our experience) does not suite all, however the programme enables those that are fully informed and willing and able to undertake IVF to donate 50% of their eggs in exchange for most of the cost of their treatment being paid for.
This was/is an incentive brought in by the HFEA to help vunerable patients obtain much needed donated eggs in order they may have there own family. And in contrast to give an option and possibly help to those that find funding treatment difficult.
Again this programme does not suite all and is complexed but, according to the HFEA the most popular form of egg donation in the UK. helping 1000,s to have a family.
If anyone requires any further information about this programme, access the HFEA website or contact your clinic.
If you find any difficullty please post a requiste here on your website. We will then ask one of our specialists to reply and post comprehensive information on the programme for you.
Hi all
sorry for not posting, Chris and Rob.... hope you guys are hanging in there, kinda feel like we're the 'three musketeers' now, no one else seems to be sharing, which is a shame.
Anyway... thought it was time for an update...
Things have been a bit more rocky the last month or two with my company than we predicted, and so we have had to decide to postpone our first course of IVF/ICSI until we know we are definitely able to afford it... that looks like it'll be Sept/Oct next year.
As for clinics... we're probably going to go and have a chat with a few but, I have to be honest and say we were being swayed by success rates at the moment and having read all the articles and cut through the controversy I think we are going to have a go with ARGC in London. Given my wife's age and the fact we have a lot of things in our favour they seem to think we have a much better than 50/50 chance of success (probably 70% to 80% based on their current rates for twenty something year olds with ICSI). I know success rates aren't everything and we are yet to visit them and look at the facilities.... but (and I know this is being dangerously over-optimistic) if we can potentially make this happen in one try, by paying a bit extra, then we may as well give it a shot.
I haven't been back to the doctors to see if I can get an appointment with a specialist... I guess I'm just being pessamistic but, as far as I know there are no conditions which cause massively low sperm counts where the doctor can diagnose it, give you some pills and suddenly your normal again... so it seems irrelevant and pointless to waste time trying to find out why I can't have kids naturally rather than just trying to get around the problem.
Anyway... my wife had all the tests they could do on her on the NHS (lots of blood tests) and they all came back that she's healthy and fine... so fingers crossed that bodes well.
We're going to go back and see what we need to do to get on the local NHS waiting list but we know the wait is certainly well over a year so there's probably little point as we'll have gone private before we ever get near the top of the list.
I'm realising now that this is never going to get any easier emotionally, in fact, it's going to get a lot worse... it seems every single day, just when I start forgetting about this nightmare... something or someone reminds me... a friend gets pregnant accidentally, theres a joke about an infertile man on a TV show (what the hell is that about btw? Why is it absolutely forbidden to joke about a woman who can't have children yet it's considered fair game to make jokes about male infertility?) or someone turns up at work with their new baby.... I find myself angry and depressed almost every day as a result and that is just getting so tiring, I actually caught myself trying to imagine what it'd be like to not want kids and convince myself it'd be a burden and an annoyance the other week, because that'd be so much easier to cope with.
Anyway... emotionally not good right now... still dreading telling our families, and wondering when to do it... the trouble is time now... we have to sit around and not even know if it's possible for another year now without being able to do anything towards it, I don't know if I want the awkwardness of having to share that wait with my family as well, if that makes sense... we may just wait and not tell them until we're about to start the treatment? I don't know... if I knew they'd be supportive I think I'd tell them... but my parents seem to have a very strange way of coping with other people's emotional dramas and I fear they'd not be very helpful at all. I think it's hard enough for them to believe I'm adult enough to be married (in my thirties) without them having to deal with the fact we A: want a family and B: there's something wrong with us that means we can't.
So... we're in limbo now.... can't start, can't do anything, can't talk to anyone... just got to live with the fear, depression and uncertainty (and the constant reminders) for another ten months :-(
Hope you guys are fairing a little better.
Will update again when there's anything to update!
Ben
Hi Ben,
The X-factor final has just started, so I can't really post this second.
Priorities, y 'know? ;D ;D
Just wanted to let you know I've read your post and I really feel for you, pal.
I'll reply soon.
I really wish sometimes I could control my own emotions a little better...
I want rationality to take hold and stop me from thinking 'what-if'.... but it's really hard...
The reason I am trying desperately not to have any hope is that the Mrs is now (as far as I can remember anyway) almost two weeks late. She said she thought it was just a week when I asked the other day, in which case it's a week and a half now.... but that's pretty unusual either way. I also noticed today that she has bought a load of new pregnancy tests and has used two in the last few days...
I really WISH I wasn't thinking "Well, it's unlikely but it COULD happen?"... ah well, may have to just ask her tonight, I figure she would have told me if there was even a chance.
Anyway... must concentrate, manic trying to get the house ready for Xmas still, family arriving tomorrow morning....
A merry Christmas to the three muskateers, and all the lurkers on Mensfe.
Ben
We've got everything crossed for you Ben.
Hope you both have a fantastic Christmas and get everything you have ever dreamed of.
Chris
Hi Ben...
How did Christmas go?
Quote from: robbyb on 2009-12-29 21:33
Hi Ben...
How did Christmas go?
Rob, Chris... see your messages. Will post a public update in a week or so...
Hi all
Ok, I felt I should post a quick update...
As you all know, just before Christmas I was trying to stop myself from wondering 'what if' due to my wife being a couple of weeks late... well, on Christmas eve morning, she gave me the best Christmas present I could ever have asked for... a pregnancy test with two lines in the little window.
I didn't want to post anything publicly until we were sure, but after three more positive tests over the last couple of weeks, and a scan today, I can happily say, mirracles DO happen.
Wife is feeling distinctly nauseous and baby is due on August 27th this year.
I know the problems people have when they come to this site are many and varied... but for those guys who have had some emotionless doctor calmly tell them that "You have a very low sperm count, you can't concieve naturally"... don't loose all hope. I don't for one minute think it's anything less than a fluke that we concieved after just a year given how low my count is... but I do want to think that if nothing else it brings a little hope to everyone else in the same situation.
I also want to say thanks to everyone on the site (Rob and Chris especially) without whom the last six months or so would have been a hell of a lot harder.
I will post a quick update later in the year just to let you know how it goes... other than that I'll just be lurking and hoping for a good outcome for everyone else on here, posters and lurkers alike.
Thankyou so much all.... and trully the very best of luck to everyone.
All the best
Ben
As I've already said privately; congratulations.
This result is just what we all want to hear. It can and does happen; there is hope for all of us.
Well done, Ben, and thank you.
Stick around,
Rob
Wonderful - Congratulations from all here.
Hi all
I just wanted to post very quickly, just to say Rob and Chris, been reading your ongoing posts and am trully feeling for you guys and keeping everything crossed that we all get good news this year.
Also just to let everyone know we passed the big '12wk scan' milestone last week and all is fine, due date revised to Aug 22nd... finally feel we can start telling everyone. It's wierd... all the problems seemed to make it so much harder to accept and I have spent the last twelve weeks trying to stop myself from being excited because I have been subconsciously convinced it is all going to go wrong... which is stupid.
Anyway... just to say thanks again to everyone for all your support, especially Chris and Rob.
All the best guys
Ben
Thanks Ben,
It's great to hear that you've passed that critical 12 week landmark.
Looks like you're well on the way to becoming Daddy-Ben!
Keep with the updates.
Rob.
Nice one ben, 6 months and counting.
All the best.
Chris
Hi all
Very quick update... had the 20+ wk scan on Monday... really incredible, it actually looks like a baby now, not only that but it was moving and reacting, hiding it's little face when the doctor pushed too hard with the ultrasound scanner.
The news however is... it's a girl!
The doctor was pretty positive, we have another scan Friday to confirm (long story about two scans in one week)... but it was pretty obvious.
Actually started buying clothes and stuff now... it's all even more real.
Think we've made a decision on a name too, which I thought would be a MUCH harder decision.
Anyway... will update maybe once more in a month or two before the big day.
Cheers all
Ben
Ok... final update to this thread...
On August 31st at 5:00pm my lovely wife gave birth to Matilda Katherine, almost 9lbs.
Tilly is now three months old and is an utter joy, growing up so quick, already trying to talk :-)
We're just starting trying for number 2.... no idea if we just got insanely lucky this time and whether our luck will hold... but whatever happens, we are already really blessed.
Just wanted to say thanks again to everyone (Chris and Rob mainly of course) on the forum and end this (ultimately) happy tale.
Cheers all
Ben
Congratulations Ben, so happy everything turned out so well for you.
Good luck with everything now and in the future.
All the best
Chris