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Trying to cope

Started by Marc, 2008-09-06 16:37

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Marc

Not sure if I am in the right place, but just needed to write down how I am feeling. I havent really had the chance to talk with anyone about what I am going through as none of my friends or family have been through this.
I have been married now for just over a year, I am 33 and my wife is 40 (always did go for the older lady) we have only been together in total for 2 and a half years, but we just clicked so got married quite quickly so we could start a family as my wifes age was a concern. After trying for about 8 months nothing was happening so my wife spoke to her Dr who did some tests and came back saying that she was fine so she started dropping hints that I should get checked out, yep me all of 33yrs old should be checked to see if my boys were ok. Fine I went along to my Dr's who organised a sperm test for me to be done at Barnet Hospital.
Turn up at barnet hospital and go to the info desk, the old lady sat there has no idea where I should go and seeing as I had to have a blood test as well told me I should ask there, the young lady there did not have a clue and said I should use the disabeld persons loo around the corner, great! This wasnt happening as I could hear people walking past and then someone came and knocekd on the door saying I had been in there too lond and that they were disabeld and I wasnt.
So I came out the loo and eventually found the right department who again directed me to a public toilet to knock out my sample in, eventually did it and handed it in to the receptionist. In the mean time my wife had been told to go to St Mary's Hospital in Paddington for more tests and scans. It was on one of these visits to St Marys that my wife needed my test results so a call was put into my Dr's and one of the receptionists there found my results and faxed them to the consultant at St Marys, bearing in mind I had not been given them yet!!!
I was at work when my phone rang, it was my wife who blurted down the phone that I had no sperm, well you can imagine how I felt, I just burst into tears in the middle of my office ( I am an estate agent). Had to spend the rest of the day worrying about what was going to happen next and trying to take in what I had been told. St Marys advised us (me) to have another sperm test at the Hammersmith Hospital, of which I did and again nothing showed up. We were then advised to speak with a specialist on Harley Street, a consultant by the name of Mr Trew, he said that I could have a biopsy done where they go direct to the source and extract the sperm from the testies. After having some blood test's and hormone tests I was told that there was a 90% chance that they would be succesfull in finding sperm, great our first bit of good news in ages, the date was set for the 29th May 2008 at the Hammersmith.
I was told the operation should take no longer than 20 -30 minutes, they make a couple of incisions, find the sperm freeze it, job done. I went in to theatre at about 11 o' clock, when I came round the time was about quarter to one. I had been in there for over an hour and a half, I knew then that they had not found anything and I was to be proven right.
Mr Trew had actually made 18 incisions, the most he had ever done in this operation, 9 into each testies and not found anything. He sent a pice of to be examined and it turns out that I was born this way, the only cell not to grow was my sperm making cell, I had been infertile since birth.
I was then off work for three and a half weeks, and am only now starting to get back to normal in my nether regions, during this whole period I was not offered counselling or put into contact with other men who have been through this. I have just had to put on a brave face for my wife, grit my teeth and get on with it. Once we had been told this news all the attention has turned to my wife, in essence I have just been brushed aside, a broken tool that is no longer of any use.
To cut a long story short we are now going down the IUI route and should have started treatment this month but a scan found a small cyst on my wifes ovary so we now have to wait another month for this to go befor they will start the treatment. During this time I have had to deal with all that is going on in our fertility world, all that is going on with the housing slump ( my job as an estate agent) my wifes panic and anxiety attacks and still having to live in the real world. As I said at the start not sure if I have written this in the right place but I do need to talk with people who have/are going through what I am at the moment so would welcome any response I get to this.       

mensfe_admin

Hi Marc,
Welcome to mensfe and yes, you are in the right place!

Our aim is to provide a place where stories like yours can be told and others can respond with their own stories and encouragement. It seems to me that you are being sent through all of this at break neck speed and it can be hard to keep up with it. Straightaway I want to say that you are certainly not the broken tool, no longer of use, that you describe in your note to us.

The way in which things have happened at each stage has obviously been far from the best and I don't think that any healthcare professional would dispute that fact. The sample collection process reminded me of my own similar story some years ago and it does not help to have such memories when trying to come to terms with infertility. That such things still happen I find appalling.

However, I will say just a couple of things now and hope that others reading your story will add more in due course. The first thing to say is please don't be too surprised at your reaction, I can identify with you every step of the way so you are not alone at all in that respect. Secondly, it may not feel like it just now, but you can get to the other side of this and you will be OK when you get there. Last for today, I must encourage you to keep talking to your wife and follow through with the process and all that happens from today onwards. You are involved, the child will be yours and you will be the childs father. I am not a biological father but I am a very proud and grateful dad, you will be too.

Please do keep us updated with progress and if you want to contact us here at mensfe for more personal and private support then please either email us or use the phone number on the home page of our site.
Take care.

Dom Rampello

Hello Marc..

My name is Dom.  Seems I have travelled a similar road to you.  I got married over 2 years ago, but been with my partner for 9 years.  Always spoken about having babies, being a Dad... 

My partner and I knew we would have some difficulties as she suffers from Endemetriosis (spelling!!), but never in a month of friday's did i think there would be a problem with me!  i'm a bloke.. NEVER!!

We started trying straight after we married 2 years ago and true to form (and our luck), nothing was happening.  We really just thought it was Tina (my partner), and didn't suspect my swimmers had gone AWOL.

I had a test... NOTHING!  I had another.. NOTHING!!!  erm..  excuse me...  I think there may be something wrong with the results!!  For me, nothing had really sunk in at this stage..  I am just assuming a magic pill will sort all this kaffufal out!

Anyhow - our journey at this point had only just begun.  Due to our GP being incompitent, it took almost 18 months for us to get our PCT funding for IVF treatment.  When we got to Northampton Care Clinic, the first port of call was for me to have a trip to the "man's room"!..  So, did the sample..   results came back and still nothing there..  We had an appointment with the consultant at the clinic, who basically said the swimmers wern't swimming and the chances of them finding anything down there if they did a sergical sperm retrieval was only 25%..  now i'm starting to think... ****!..  not good..  but then he says, i'd need to have a few blood tests, and if they were negative, then the sergical retrival would be completely pointless..  So i have the blood test and wait for the results..  GREAT NEWS..   blood tests come back and they are positive...  I'm clear.. well thats what i think anyways..  they can do the retrival... 

The morning of the retrieval comes and i'm not really thinking that it won't work.  I'm thinking, this is gonna hurt like hell.. but be worth it..  they'll get some sperm, freeze it up..  Tina will get on with the IVF cycle..  9 months later.. little Dom will be screaming!!    WRONG!!  i had the retrieval..  and i was right, it did hurt like hell..   the consultant made lots of incisions, he really tried to find something..  they took 2 biopses..  and worked on them for a couple of hours..  but nothing...  NOTHING.. NNNNNOOOOOOOTTTTTTTHHHHHHIIIIIINGGGGGGGGG!! 

only at this point after the operation, had it all sunk in..  i can't have a child of my own..  up to this point, my ultimate optimism had told me that it would all be OK..  and other than feeling completely useless and a pretty unworthy man, the sergical retrival ****** hurt.. and even now, 3 weeks later i'm a little swollen and incomfortable!!

the biopse was sent away, and as with you, it appears that the cells that produce sperm have never developed in me!! 

it's a very strange feeling..  i'll be a dad, we'll have a family.. but the child will not be my flesh and blood.  my wife and I have spoken constantly about it, the Fertility Clinic has been great.. and slowly we are getting through it all..

i've had to come to some harsh realities; there is nothing i can do about it.  its a case of move on, or dwell in the unfortunate circumstances that have come about!!  we have chosen to move on..  we are going on the sperm donor register this week and will now wait for "the call"...  hopefully it will be soon..

one thing my wife has found on the net is "The DC Network Workshop".. they have a workshop in November which is over a weekend, and is for people in our position and gives us a network of people to communicate with..  have a look in to it if you can..

it would be great to have a chat, feel free to get in contact..

regards
Dom



robbyb

Hey Dom,
What happened?

I love to hear other people's stories but they never seem to conclude!

I hope it ended well for you.

RobbyB