This is me

[omar]

Well done Chriss - you also deserve some praise for your support pulling your good lady through - good luck.

[robbyb]

Hi Chris,

Thanks for your kind words regarding what meagre support I can offer.  I just get the impression that you and I are going through largely the same processes at the moment and probably the most awful year of our lives.  As I've said on my own thread before, my own pain and vulnerability has made me a lot less closed off to other peoples problems and a lot more prone to empathising with them.  So when I say I care about how you and Tracy are doing I mean it.

You (and Ben as well) are the only men I have communicated with who are going through this too and I figure that makes us a team.  Because we are different to women and we need our own team!

Yes, actually I do do stupid stuff like bottle up my emotions and I do occasionally lie about how I'm feeling so that my wonderful wife has someone to lean on and I won't ever lose my temper with her just because I'm feeling low... We need our own, seperate team because we don't gain the same support in the same places they can.

Different brains and different processes.

So to be here and to talk to you guys... guys who not only get the whole infertility agony but who also understand what it's like to have the pressures of 'being the man' at the same time... well, it's invaluable.  (If the girls heard me saying that there are 'pressures on men', they'd laugh!)

Honestly, this is the Rob, Chris, Ben and Eric show right now!

I haven't replied in ages Chris, but I have been keeping up with you as I do check the posts every day or so, so in the same sentence I'm going to have to say: "I'm sorry to hear that Tracy has been finding things so unbearable" and "I'm so glad to hear that Tracy is feeling better"!  Chris, my wife has been pushed close to cracking in the last week as well so I really understand the impotent agony (Ha!  No pun intended!) of just watching it happen and knowing there isn't any way for you to fix it.  Sometimes there's a little bit of guilt in there, too, isn't there?

But, having said that, I'll bet you a million billion quid, that just by listening to her and loving her it was you who was foremost in helping her through her darkest days so far.  And, yes, I'm sure it hurt so much that at times she took it out on you (as if you aren't in enough pain already, am I right?) but the fact that you just took it and neither judged nor abused her for it demonstrates your dedication and love for her.  And if Tracy is anything like my wife she will have recognised all of that on some level, even if it isn't the sort of thing that couples find it easy to discuss, and she will be grateful and proud of you for it.

Keep it up Chris, it sounds like you're fulfilling your 'man' role brilliantly.  Just don't forget that you've got to look after yourself too.

[chrisd]

Thanks Rob.  It really is a help knowing that you are all out there and yes I feel like we are a team too.  It is so good to get it all out and know that you are not being judged or feel like you are boring other people.  Infertility is a lonely place and it is so relieving to know that the support is there.

Well it is a very strange time at the moment and I must admit I feel very NERVOUS, but a good nervous.  I said earlier since the failed treatment my other half has been averaging a 15 day cycle, even before the treatment she was about 24 days, in the years we have been together never has she gone past 26 days but today she is at day 29. 

Please, please, please let it be.  I am not allowing myself to get carried away but a little voice in my head is saying maybe, just maybe.

My beautiful lady is really getting excited, I am trying to keep her grounded but she says that she has never ever been to 28 days let alone 29.

If we get our wish it will be an unbelievable miracle we were told that we had about a 2% chance of naturel conception.  If we are still waiting tomorrow then we are going to do a test.

Am I wrong to be excited, will it be a massive fall if we are wrong? Probably.

But after 3 years we have to hope. 

Please everyone keep your fingers crossed.

I'll keep you informed.

[chrisd]

31 days, still a no show.  I feel quite nervy and excited.

Please, please, please.

[robbyb]

I've really got my fingers crossed for you, Chris.
Damn!  It's hard to type!

[chrisd]

Its over this month 

At least my beloved got to 32 days.  Hopefully something is happening inside her that will be good for the future, she has never reached 32 days before so the fact that her cycle has lengthened is keeping us optimistic.

We hope now that those pesky little FSH's have gone down.

All ways trying to look on the brightside.

Chris

[robbyb]

I'm sorry to hear that Chris.
Better luck next time, eh?

I hope Tracy is ok.

[robbyb]

Abracadabra!

Thread... ~REAPPEAR~!!!

SHAZAM!!!





PS.  I've sent you a message.

[chrisd]

Cheers Rob.

You must have that Derren Brown thing going on.

Thanks for your help.

[chrisd]

Any ideas for a 4th anniversary present anyone?

We said we wouldn't get gifts this year and just put a lump in the egg donation savings fund but I cant resist getting the Mrs something.

Not perfume cos she has enough of that.

Chris

[robbyb]

I gave my wife a voucher for an hours worth of free tickles.

She just read this and musingly said:  "Hmmm... it was a good present, that."

So, there you go.

[chrisd]

I should have tried that Rob, ended up buying her a bracelet and a scarf, she played hell with me though because she didn't me anything.

I just couldn't resist I like buying her things.

Just had some more news, my cousin had a baby last night, really pleased for him as he is like a brother to me.

There are a few more due in the next few weeks.  My sister in law thought she was going to be having hers early, its due in 3 weeks but I think she has had Braxton Hicks (not sure about the spelling).

We are off down to Reading at the weekend to meet my partners neice.

Babies everywhere at the moment, roll on November when we are holiday, we so need it.

Chris

[chrisd]

Woo Hoo

Holiday booked and Tenerife here we come, 3 weeks tomorrow.  Hopefully the sun, the sand and the other will relax us.

Hope everyone is well.

CHris

[robbyb]

The sea?


Have a great time.

[chrisd]

YEs Rob thats the other ha ha.

We have booked our next appointment to see the specialist.  We are having one last go at IVF, we go in December with the plan being to have the treatment in February.  We decided it would be good for my other half to have a break form the treatment as the last round really effected her.  We also wanted to give the acupuncture and herbs a chance of working.

This is going to be our last chance at IVF, Prof Ledger has told us that there really is only a very small chance of it working and that this really is an oportunity for us to put the IVF process to bed.  My beloved has poor egg quality and even though there is a chance it is only about 5% compared to the average of 25% success rate.

Our only real option after tis is egg donation, we understand that this would give us a better chance but it's not really an option I want to try.

It kind of feels like a kick in the teeth that both myself and my partner waited until until we found the right person to start thinking about a family.  We only wish that we had found each other a few years earlier or that I would have actually asked her out on a date when we first met instead of biding my time.  We met about 6 years ago but I didn't think I ever stood a chance so never asked her out, it wasn't until a friend of mine started playing Cilla 2 years later that we actually got together.  Turned out though that she had been waiting for me to ask her from the first day we met.  Typical eh?

You see this is where the problem lies, there is a 7 year age gap between us, I'm 31 and she is 38.  I know rthat egg donation may be our only chance but I want our child to be OURS, half me and half her.  Is that so much to ask?

I worry about how egg donation will actually effect her because she is already a mother but without a child (does that make sense?)

But for now we will just have to hope that nature is on our side or that the IVF works.  At least we have a fortnight in the sun to look forward to to maybe chill us out and give us a new sense of fun.

Thanks for listening to me moan.

Chris