This is me

[robbyb]

Hi Chris, I might understand what you mean when you say "she is already a mother but without a child" and if I'm right then I can understand all the more why this process causes you no end of grief.

You have to do the right thing for you both, of course, but it pains me to hear of anyone thinking of giving up.  Egg donation may not be right for you ... but maybe it's just not right, right now.

How did you feel about things when it was sperm-donation, not egg-donation, on the cards?  Would you have gone for that?

If there's one thing that has driven us nuts in the last year or two (apart from the obvious of course: grief, doubt, anger etc) it's the absolute inability to make plans or even make decisions; not even hypothetical ones!  You can't look ahead and say "if this happens, we will do this" because the honest truth is you won't know how you feel until you get there.  And thoughts and attitudes change with time.

Take your time, mate, and cross each bridge as you come to it.

[chrisd]

Hi Rob

I am not saying that I am against egg donation, I just hope and pray that we don't have to use this option, I am a very optimistic person and believe that we will get pregnant.  Throughout my life I have always dreamed of the things that I wanted and I am lucky enough to say that all of them except for the obvious one have come true.  I have had to wait for a lot of them but they came and I am sure this will be the same.

Some good news again, the Mrs has had another long month and she are currently on day 27, it seems the acupuncture and herbs seem to work. 

How have you been Rob?  Hope you have been well and the best to your better half too.  Hope the family have been a bit more supportive and the studying is going well.

Chris

[chrisd]

Hello again to everyone.

Well we've just come back from a brilliant holiday about 2 weeks ago to this god awful weather that we are having here.

The break seems to have done us all the world of good, we have been trying to switch off from all the fertility problems and have decided that we are going to approach it with the "whatever will be, will be" attitude.  The reason we have decided this is because of the holiday.  We were away from everthing for 2 weeks and in a sense we realised why we got together in the first place and that was because we fell for eachother not because we wanted kids with eachother.

We feel so much better thinking this way now and you never know if we try and live a "normal" life doing and talking about normal things then that must be good for our own sanity.  Three years in the fertility bubble is long enough and I feel that I was about to burst if I didn't try and put things in perspective.

At the end of the day we are both 30 somethings in the prime of our lives with good jobs, a nice house and a reasonable amount of money to play about with so why not enjoy ourselves?  Do the things that we want to do, buy the things that we want to buy.  Realise that at the end of the day we are 2 healthy, happy people who are madly in love with eachother. 

We both want kids but if we carry on the way we have been then who knows what that could do to not only our relationship but also our sanity and self esteem.

2 weeks away has been a blessing for us both and I recommend it to you all.

Hope yeveryone is well.  Rob, Ben hope things are picking up for you both.

All the best to you all.

[robbyb]

Hi Chris,

Hey, I'm really glad to hear that a little time away with your beautiful wife has helped you to some sort of understanding and peace of mind.

It's really important that you look after your own sanity and, most importantly, your relationship.  Although it's good to hear someone use the words "self esteem".  How easily this side of things is over-looked.
Well done Chris and Tracy; three years is a long time.

Are you saying you're stepping off the fertility wagon?  Cancelling your prescription?  Quitting the gang?

See, I don't know if I could achieved what you guys have managed.  My wonderful wife and I chose each becaiuse of a love for each other but also because of a shared dream and life goal.  Kids.

Who knows... maybe in the future we're going to have to reach a point where we try and find peace with each other, like you have.  But we're not there yet.

You and Tracy should be proud of how far you've come, the hardships you've overcome whilst not letting them beat you and now proud of being at peace.

Well done guys.

[chrisd]

Hi Rob

No we are not stepping off the ladder, we are just not going to let it be who we are.  We want to get back to a "normal" life, we are still going ahead with the IVF treatment and if that isn't successful then egg donation but we are not going to allow it to rule our life.

I am a very optimistic person and I do believe that one day we will have children but we have decided that we are not going to forget to LIVE until this eventually happens.  The past 3 years has been constant poking, prodding and consultations and inbetween all this constant thinking and worrying about fertility.

We just need to switch off and become Chris and Tracy again.  We both feel so much more positive this way.

I realised something as well while we were away and it just happened whilst sitting in a bar.  I just looked at Tracy and realised how much I really love her, I asked myself "could I ever imagine my life without her" and I couldn't.  Then I asked myself what means more children or Tracy and without any hesitation it was Tracy.  I have the woman of my dreams who I intend spending the rest of my life with and if this means children and a family then brillaint, bring it on, if not then I will always have Tracy.

People can spend their entire life looking for that person who everything just clicks with, who makes them feel special and never do.  Others just settle.  I am one of the lucky ones, I have found my other half.

Chris

[Eric]

Hi all I - we, have been following your posts and by the looks of things (the hits) so have many others - we may not have your courage or ability to communicate but we share your plight. You have helped us tremendously by just being able to equate with your lives. The last number of weeks our heart has gone out to you (all), and as we have also gone through similar experiences.
Your realisation of the Love you share with your wife coupled with wish to have your child brought tears to our eyes.

We were unsuccesful with IVF so went on to Egg donation which was a real hard decition for us but the % of success changed from under 5% to over 50%, and like you, through our love, we so wanted our child. Well we are some what down this road now, but so much to understand.

Well......... you guys ... again thanks and really hope everything works out for you and all those who just come onto the site to get that sence that they are not alone............

Good luck           

[robbyb]

Hi Chris... I really respect the new attitude/outlook.  Well done, I think it's a really big step.
I don't think I can manage that right now. 

Just wanted to say: check you messages when you've got a moment.

Cheers.

[chrisd]

Hi Eric

I am really pleased that you find comfort in our posts.  I know it is not the male way to express youor feelings but I have to admit that it really does help.

I am the sort of person who really bottles up his emotions in the real world but when I am on here I try to be honest to myself about the way I feel and it really makes a difference.

If I held in all my thoughts, worries and fears about our journey then I seriously believe that the men in white coats would be turning up to cart me off to the funny farm.

It is totally anonymous here, nobody knows you, nobody judges you but everybody listens.  I feel that Rob, Ben and myself have been a great help to eachother and we welcome more people to join us.  We will be there for you all too.

Lets drop the facade of being "men" and open up, we have feelings too and bottling them up doesn't help.

We all have our partners to talk to but outside of the relationship does anybody really know what you are going through?  We do!  We are all going through the same thing day in and day out.

Lets be there for eachother.

Chris

[rocketandroll]

...well said Porthos ;-)

[chrisd]

It needed to be said Ben.

We cant be the only 3 men in the UK going through this.  I know how it has helped me getting everything off my chest.

Just wish a few more could.

Chris

[chrisd]

So its a New Year and lets see what it has install for us all.

I would like to wish everyone on Mensfe a very Happy New Year and all the best for the coming 12 months.

Lets hope for good news and happy times.

Chris

[chrisd]

Just to keep you all informed that the next stage of IVF starts in March and this is our last go.

I am hoping that all the accupuncture and herbs that Tracy has been enduring will be worthwhile and give us better results than the last attempt.

If this doesn't work then we have decided to go for egg donation, it has taken us a long time to feel totally comfortabe with this decision but we feel that our need for a child outways the genetics.  I know Rob you are going through this choice and it is difficult.

We have been trying now for 3 and a half years and I can honestly say that I dont know how much more of this I can take.  I believe in the bigger picture but so much hurt and dissapointment is getting me and Tracy down.  We are going to be parents one day by whatever means, I have to stay optimistic otherwise I will sink into a deep dark depression that would be no good for anyone.

Rob I feel your pain and feel like we have become to know and understand eachother over the months, if there is anything you want to talk about away from this group then email me.

Good luck to all with your journeys and I wish you well.

[chrisd]

Its count down to D-day, 6 weeks until our next attempt at IVF.  This is our last try then we are having to change our treatment and go for egg donation.

Its not the route we would prefer but it may be our only chance.  We want a child more than anything and after many hours of discussion and soul searching have decided to have a try.  We would prefer this to adoption because at least the child would be 100% genetically mine and my amazing other half would have carried and nutured the child.

We have our fingers crossed that either the IVF works or a miracle happens and we conceive naturelly but have finally come to terms with this decision.

I as ever am being the eternal optimist and willing that we get some good news.  I have had a strange feeling that this is going to be our year.  We need it after so much dissapointment and pain.

With all the new born babies that have come into our lives or due to come we dont want to be left behind, we dont want to be the couple that people are arwkward around and we dont want to be the couple that are being constantly asked to be God Parents.

So now it is back to being good, I have cut out the caffeine, stocked up on multi vitamins and bought a new mattress.

All the best
Chris 

[chrisd]

We are preparing for our next cycle, the docs are putting my lady on a much stronger dose of drugs this time as last time she only had 1 folicle (I am not looking forward to that).  This is our last attempt and as our consultant said it is more just for us to put our IVF dreams to bed.  They are not holding out too much hope that it will work. But for some strange reason I have a really good feeling about this year.  I genuinely believe that this will be our year.

This may sound weird and quite stupid but when I was a kid I had an idea of what would be happening in my life and at what ages I would be when I reached certain milestones (some people say I am a little psychic).  So far all of my predictions have come true to the exact year and I haven't purposely tried to make these things happen they just have.  The biggest one to date was the age at which I would settle down, I predicted 27 and by eck I was right, that was after spending years single with no hope of meeting the "one" but then all of a sudden I met my beautiful other half and it was like a bolt of lightening I was hooked.  I always predicted that I would be 32 when I had my first child and in May I turn 32.  Now you might be reading this thinking this sounds like the ramblings of a desperate and slightly strange man and you may be right but I have to cling onto any hope I have.

We now have to wait for this cycle to end with the hope that maybe we might get pregnant naturelly then its onto our last attempt.  Our last attempt then egg donation, it has taken us a long time to reach the decision that this is the right thing to do but like you Rob we have that overwhelming desire to be parents and we are willing to sacrifice a small area of pregnancy to make the greater part of it a reality.

All the best to all you men out here, please join us and lets go through this together.

We know that there are plenty of people using this site by the number of hits that our posts have but it seems lately that it is the Chris and Rob show.  We have both been of great help to eachother and we can be to you all too.

Chris

[robbyb]

Chris, I couldn't agree with you more; it's just you and me .  I'm going to petition to have the name of the site changed to robsfe.net (I won't mind if you want to start an opposition proposal for chrissfe.net)!

As for this being "your year", well I'll raise my alcohol-free drink to that!  Who cares if it sounds mad to be a little psychic?!  
The way I get through some of my darker times is to invite my best friend around and write our comic!  It's not exactly mature but it works for me.  

If you feel that this is the right year for you well, darn it, I think it is too.  It surely is Meant To Be.

I don't know if I could have got through this so well without you Chris, you've been a great support and I've not felt like the only man in the world who's like this, thanks to you.

Chris is right everyone.  We can all help each other.  You don't have to communicate in quite the same way or in the same depth that we do but, take it from me, it IS better to communicate than not.  I've never had a cause that I have felt passionately about but I feel like I will ALWAYS want to offer what support I can to infertile men and women and to those going through IVF.

If you want to get it out then this is as good place as any.  You won't find disinterest, judgement or mockery.  Come one and all; make this website yourfe.net.

Take care Chris, me and my wonderful wife send our best wishes and our most helpful, positive thoughts.

Rob