A quick hello

[rocketandroll]

Hi folks


I'm really glad I've found a forum for guys on this rocky road... I seem to have spent the last month or two finding endless forums for women to share their conception/fertility woes but nothing for men, so first off a big thanks to the folks behind this forum!

Having read through some other people's stories on here I do feel a little guilty as we're right at the beginning of all of this and haven't even been told there is a problem yet, but never the less... I have been feeling pretty down about the whole thing and really wanted to find somewhere to chat with other people who had been through it all as you do end up feeling like there isn't anyone you can talk to.

So... the quick story is simple, like everyone, I've been brought up being told that pregnancy is something that happens at the drop of a hat if you look at a woman the right way and that it's a herculean struggle just to prevent it happening every time you have sex. Like everyone here I guess, it came as a hell of a shock when we decided, after being together eight years, we wanted kids.... that month after month, nothing happened.

As I said, we're not even at the 'been trying for a year' stage yet, it's been about eight months now but, I'm all too aware we're well past the average time it takes for conception and we've been doing everything right as far as I know, from me taking zinc suplements from day 1 through to both of us cutting out alcohol etc and making sure the magic happens on the right days...

I guess we're a little different than most couples in that it's actually me that is the most desperate to have kids of my own and my wife is actually far more open to adoption and other alternatives than I am... I am not sure why but I have always wanted my own kids, more than anything in the wolrd, and for as long as I can remember. It has very quickly become the most important thing in our lives and it's getting hard to think about anything else.

We haven't told any of our family or friends that we're trying which I suppose just makes it harder as there's no one to talk to...

Every day I see people walking around with babies and young children and I am starting to feel pretty upset by it... which is a shock to me. I guess everyone has those "How come everyone else has kids, even if they don't want them, and we want them and don't seem to be able to have them?" feelings... but I am concerned that if it turns out one of us does have a serious fertility problem... I don't know how that'll affect me emotionally.


Anyway, that's enough of me whining.... I guess it'd just be good to chat to other people... and see what's in store for us on the assumption it continues not to happen for us and we hit the 1yr mark and go see a doctor?


Thanks!



Ben

[robbyb]

Hi Ben, Nice to have someone else around!

You didn't hear it from me, but I'd go and see the GP now.  We did, at about ten months (I think), and I was diagnosed with a shockingly ~shockingly~ low sperm count via some very simple and relatively quick tests.  I was reluctant to go and see the GP (After all, doctors, TV, the internet and everone else under the Sun says up to one year for the majority of couples, two years for the unfortunates and ... well, forever for the rest (but we don't talk about them!)) but I did for my wifes sake.  And I'm very glad I did...

If it turns out there's a problem, then you know about it early... If it turns out there's not a problem then brilliant - Put off your worried to a later date.

I have to say though, reluctantly and at the risk of contradicting myself, if you do decide not to go and see the Doc you CAN take a little comfort in knowing that... well, it's true.  It IS normal for many, many couples not to conceive within a few months.

I can sympathise with you so keenly.  The months slip by, the periods come every time and the tests are always negative.  It really saps your positivity.  I can remember the day when my wife and I decided we wanted to have a family.  It was like a switch being flicked.  One minute we weren't trying particularly and the next it was the most important thing in the world.  Hell!  It became our world!


A lot of people worry about when to tell friends and family (or so my wife tells me from all of her 'girlie' support forums!) and all I can do is tell you how it went for us.  We only told anyone when we knew that we (I) had a problem and then we told  out parents.  We told them for a few reasons... We knew we could trust them, then would care, they wouldn't kiss and tell and we knew we could rely on their support.  We also knew that we may need help financially; IVF is a shockingly expensive business if you have to go private, and in my postcode you really don't have a choice!
After about three or four months of knowing we told our best friends and after our first failed cycle (when it became apparent that this is going to be a long, long term struggle for us) we told the rest of our friends.

For the record: I think we did it right.  A friend of ours excitedly told us (without knowing our circumstances) that she was trying.  A few months later she wasn't pregnant and seriously fed up with all of the well wishers asking how it was going... especially as at that point she knew about our predicament and was getting worried for her own fertility.
Also... you need your friends and family.  Really, if you have friends and family you can trust then, when the time is right, don't be worried about telling them.  They may not know what to say (Hell; no-one knows what to say, including me!) but they will listen and they will care.
The bottom line on this one is just that : you need to weigh it up and tell people when you're good and ready.  Only you can make the decision, bud; sorry!  I would say, though, only tell people when both you and your partner have agreed on who to tell and how to tell them.  And be prepared for some strange responses ... from yourself I mean!

The weirdest thing that happened to me, was the evening my wife told her best friend.  For about four months I'd barely shown any emotion about our situation (in fact, my wife was getting realy upset at my apparent lack of engagement with it) and I left her to her phone call.  I sat in the bath and could only hear muffled words from downstairs.  And then, when I heard my wife begin to cry, I wobbled for the first time and I cried and cried and cried...
I didn't see that one coming!  I think I'd subconsciously been playing the "ME BIG STRONG MAN.  ME BIG.  ME STRONG.  ME LOOK AFTER WOMAN BY BEING STRONG.  BIG STRONG MAN BE STRONG AND NOT BE UPSET" role and, for the first time I heard my dear wife let it out to someone other than me and... like magic ...  I was free from that role; someone ELSE was taking the supporting role and...

...well, it brings a tear to my eye just remembering how it felt.

Sorry.  Rambling quite a lot there!

I hope beyond hope that for you it is nothing more complicated than waiting it out until the odds turn your way and you're succesful.
Until that time, there's always...

                    ...MensFE!!!!        (dan-da-daaaaaa!)

All the best, Ben, and good luck.  I look forward to chatting in the future.

Rob

[rocketandroll]

Rob... thanks so much for the reply.... can't tell you how great it is to actually talk to SOMEONE about it!


I may well make an appointment and pop down the doctors sooner rather than later...

I guess there's just that feeling that... once you go to the doctor the problem becomes all the more real... if you know what I mean.

Anyway, in the mean-time my wife's starting doing the old temperature charting thing this month so we'll see how that works out though she's been unwell this week (predicted ovulation time) so we've kinda lost a month which is a shame :-(

The first month we tried she started feeling sick every morning about four or five days before her period was due... then it got to about 4 or 5 days overdue.... we were convinced we'd managed it the first month, but then it started and we were both pretty gutted. It's been suggested to her it may have been a very early miscarriage but I dunno... the test she did the day after came up negative so I assume it probably wasn't.

But hey... on with the trying :-)

It's her and my birthday today so hopefully we can leave the baby-making aside for a day and get on with all that other 'life' stuff :-)


Ben

[Simon.S]

Well done Ben - and Rob it is so true IT TAKES A MAN TO CRY, WHAT A GUY WELLDONE.

GOOD LUCK

[rocketandroll]

Cheers again all...


Well, thought I needed to post again just to update... as mentioned this is the first month my wife's started charting and, well it seems from first glance that we've been stopping four to six days before she ovulated every month except one since we started trying, seems she ovulates very late in her cycle.

Wierd but this actually seems like great news, gives some kind of reason for why it's not worked so far. That said, she has been ill this cycle so it could just be a wierd month.

For now, I'm gonna cling to the hope that this is the reason it's not worked so far and the next couple of months are gonna be the ones we get it right.


Having moved we are also gonna register with a local GP in the next week or two and I'm gonna see if I can get down to the doctor and have some tests next month if things still don't work for us.


Keeping everything crossed.



Ben

PS: IF it comes to it... does anyone know the rate of success for IVF? I have only one experience with it from friends/family and that's a close childhood friend who'se husband was found to have a low sperm count... they tried IVF and got twins, a boy and a girl on their first cycle. I know that's a rare miracle story but... it'd be interesting to know HOW rare that is.

[chrisd]

Hi Ben

Good to have someone else on here to share our journey with.

As Rob said I would get to a doc sooner rather than later.  It took us 20 months to have all tests and get to the stage of having IVF.

Even if it makes it more real then at least it will answer some questions.

I have been told that the success rate is about 20% but that varies from clinic to clinic.

Also 8 months is only a short time, it takes approx 6months-1 year for someone under 30, 1-2 years 31-35 and 3+ years for over 35 to get pregnant.

These stats aren't spot on but when you have been going through this for 3 years you tend to pick bits and bats up even if they do confuse you a little.

I sincerely hope that it works for you Ben but in the mean time you can rely on us to give you that bit of support and hopefully answer any questions that you may have.

All the best
Chris 

[Eric]

Hi Ben
The success rate for IVF (which I hope you do not need to do) depends predominantley on the age of one's partner (female).
Just to add to the incredible support and advice already given, the clinics in the UK do differ in success rates, but only by a little (although that does not help if it fails).

The clearest way to get all the stats, (if one is able and or willing) is to go on the HFEA website (Human fertilisation and Embryology ass.) and look at the list of clinics in the UK - each clinic will have published their success rates.
However there will be an overview by the HFEA which is all the collated data from all these clinics and usually by success rates by age.

GOOD LUCK........   

[rocketandroll]

Cheers again all


Yeah, we'd been told 6months average and it's a problem if it hasn't happened by a year.... though opinions seem to vary. I assume those ages are for the woman? It'd be good to think it wasn't so unusual if it takes us a year or more, probably doesn't help I'm overweight too... trying to do something about that at the mo.

I'm (just) 33 and my wife is thankfully still quite young at 28, so hopefully we still have a bit of time to try all the options.

This month has now officially been a wash out... her temperature never rose so we are assuming either A: the cheap thermometer she got isn't good enough OR she didn't ovulate at all... she was ill for a week+ in the middle of it tho so maybe that's just a blip.

We are getting registered at a local GP's asap and will hopefully go in and get some tests done... to make sure.

Don't want to waste another year trying only to find there's a problem we could have found much earlier :-(



Anyway, thanks again...



Ben

[rocketandroll]

ok... another update for what it's worth...


My wife's been charting again this month and using ovulation tests as well for a 'second opinion'.... we're 90% sure she DID ovulate and we did take advantage of that on the right day.... it was however very late.

By my understanding (I swear you have to get a medical degree to actually understand all this stuff) ovulation should ideally and normally be 14 days before the next period... 10 days is about the shortest it should be... looks like she ovulated between 7 days and 9 days before her next period is due... which is a little worrying but not insurmountable. If it is regularly that late... it certainly explains why it hasn't worked yet because we've not been having sex after about the '12 day before' point, so have been missing it by at least a few days every month.

That did fill me with a little hope... but another week or so to find out I guess.

Then (as mentioned in the other thread) I stupidly went and 'analysed' my own sperm and scared myself witless when I found there really weren't very many of them. I know it varies a lot from sample to sample and tbh I hadn't abstained for a few days as you're meant to... but it's still worrying.

Gonna have another look in a few days and see if it looks any healthier.

It's wierd... my first reaction was "Ooooh, look, I DO have sperm!! Woohoo!" But that was pretty quickly replaced with "ooooh... I am struggling to find many of them... is that how it should be?" which was then followed by half an hour of watching videos of samples under the microscope on YouTube and utter panic that I seemed to have about 1/10th as many as in all the samples.


Anyway... will wait and see.


Mean time I'm now on my fourth week of jogging every morning to try and loose some weight... I should probably also try and start improving my diet too.

That's about it for now...


cheers all



Ben

[robbyb]

If you're at the point where your analysing your own ejaculate ( )... and you are registered with a doctor... and you are seriously worried... and you've got a supportive partner who's young, fit and healthy...

                         ...Why don't you go and get checked out?

Rob.

[rocketandroll]

Cheers Rob... and you are absolutely right, some wise man once said 'If in doubt, check it out' to me... I think that's probably what I'll do ;-)

I'm registering with a new doctor today/tomorrow and gonna book in to get it checked asap.

Cheers folks, will update when there's news.


Ben

[robbyb]

Good luck.

[rocketandroll]

Well... that seemed like the longest week ever...


The results are back and, I was right, unfortunately a little TOO right :-(

My prediction that based on what I could see put me at barely 2m/ml last month proved to be frighteningly accurate (maybe I should take up a career in fertility science rather than try and start a family?)

As soon as I walked through the door this morning and the doctor asked me to "Take a seat" in that slightly pittying way, I knew it wasn't going to be good news... so, here comes the science bit:

Total count: 1.4m/ml ('Extremely low' as the doctor put it)

Morphology: 14%

Motile: 23%

...I'm sure you will all know that's 'BAD' with a pretty capital 'B' :-(


So... where the hell do we go from here?

I said "Well, so long as we have a chance through IVF", the doctor mentioned in passing "Oh, the normal limit for successful IVF is 15% Morphology"

Great... so according to the 'normal' limits, even IVF is iffy.


I was prepared for bad news, or at least I thought I was.... but this has just hit me like a ton of bricks. I wasn't prepared for it to be THAT bad.

To top it all off we went to a family party at the weekend at which my uncle and niece (who has two kids) wouldn't stop telling the two of us how "Wonderful it was" to have kids and making out we were bad people for not having had kids yet, making jokes about how "Maybe you should try having sex once in a while wink wink".


Really pretty low now.


I need to start talking to some clinics, at least get their opinion on our chances given these results, and assuming my wife is A-ok.

Anyone got any recomendations for anywhere good?



Ben

[chrisd]

We are at the Jessops Wing in Sheffield.

The clinic is top notch and some of the consultants are top notch.  Ours is Professer Leger who is one of the leading fertility specialists in the country and has done a lot of research with Sir Robert Winston.

Now that you know your news your wife really needs to get checked out. 

Keep your chin up Ben I know it is hard, I have experienced everything possible with friends, family and the such like.

Just remember that we are here for you.

All the best.
Chris

[omar]

Here Here - all the very best.