Two years down the track

[Angus]

I originally posted more than 2 years ago in the "Letting off steam" area, as there were a number of things I really didn't like (you can read it to see what they were).  Then I posted a year later in "Working it out".  Now for the third installment.....

Hard to know how to begin this, but despite my original misgivings about donor sperm IVF I can honestly and wholeheartedly say that thank goodness we did it.  My wife was the one who wanted to go ahead, I didn't.  But we were lucky with the IVF, it worked first time and we have two (twins) BRILLIANT and BEAUTIFUL kids now.  I never thought at the time that I would 100% reconcile myself with the reality, but I have.  Twice people have commented that they look like my wife but not me, but even that does not faze me.  There is no way that they are anything but my kids and I am their dad.

It took a lot to get to that point.  In doing so I learnt how awful the HFEA is.  I am not over the nanny attitude of that lot, never will be. If I ever see them in a dark alley.......

However, a very very surpising turn of events happened recently.  When the twins were just over a year old we decided to have more.  We had paid to save the specific donor, so they would be genetically identical.  So we simply intended to use the same donor.  Needed because I have azoospermia (many -ve samples, three past testicular biopsies with no usable sperm for ICSI).  But when the time came for egg retrieval and insemination the clinic suggested I give another sample.  I hadn't even bothered to withold ejaculation for the 2-3 days recommended.  Remarkably there were sperm.  Not many, but enough for ICSI.  Remarkable.  After more than 10 samples over the last 4 years, after 3 testicular biopsies.... this time there were sperm.  It came as great shock.  In some ways an unwanted shock.  Suddenly we had a completely immediate decision to make that we never had even contemplated making.  Use the donor sperm? (tried and tested) or go with my sperm?  Use donor in some eggs and mine in other eggs? 
Anyway we had a fairly short few minutes to decide.  In the end we went with mine. 
My wife is now 26 weeks pregnant.  So far the pregnancy is going well.  We have been very lucky that both times we used IVF it worked first time.
So now we will have a very funny family indeed, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
Why were sperm suddenly present...... I am not sure. Possibilities... perhaps the lab got the sample mixed up.  I decide to loose weight from 89kg to 73 kg.  Commenced the weight loss 6 months before the sample.  I did start taking multivite, garlic and selenium around 6 months before the sample also.  I did increase my gym visits also.

I honestly cannot say what it was that did it.  I don't want to inappropriately influence any reader to do the same (this is but a single weird event and ancedote only), but I just thought I should put it out there.  If for no other reason than to say not to give up hope whether it looks like you may have to use donor or not.

[robbyb]

Hi Angus.

THANK YOU for posting all of this on the forum.
Your experiences may be a 'weird event' or an 'anecdote' but I couldn't give a monkeys.

My own thread in General Discussion has had over 1300 hits in the last ten months... and I'm pretty darned sure that those people aren't just me, Chris, Ben and a couple of others.

There are tens of thousands of interested partys out there and hundreds who read these posts, I'm sure of it.  And how many of those actually post?  Ten?  Twelve?

It's sad for a lot of reasons but the strongest reason in this context is this...

Chris, Ben and I (occasionally Omar, occasionally Eric) have been the only ones to post our experiences and only Chris and I (not in any way to belittle Ben's experiences) have actually had to contend with IVF and failed treatment in the last year.

Doom, gloom, anger, frustration and grief are the only real emotions to get aired here.  Occasionally, rarely even, one of us mentions that most precious of entities:      Hope.

But that never lasts long.

What we want and need, Angus, are people like YOU to bring new thoughts and experiences.  I don't CARE how "normal" your journey has been or how "anecdotal" your experiences.
What you went through was real, what you thought was important, what you felt was valid and what happened is wonderful.  I need to hear your story, Angus, I need it.

I just got off the phone from a friend who had is baby at the same time as my wonderful wife had her miscarriage, two months ago (I couldn't bear to call him until now).  I was feeling black and so very depressed.

And then I logged on and read your two-year report and it's genuinely picked me up.  I can happen and it can work out well...

Sometimes naturally, with no intervention at all ... Ben.
Sometimes with IVF and ICSI ... hopefully me and Chris, someday.
Sometimes with donor sperm ... You!
And sometimes for no damned reason that is obvious to any one ... you again!

But the point is:  when life seems like a relentless grind of hope and treatment and failure and misery and back to hope... it's SO damned good to hear that there IS another side.

People say (my friend did not a half hour ago) " You WILL get there" and you want to say: "How do you know that?!  You must be a ****** soothsayer to know that because I sodding don't!".  

But you know what they mean... they mean, 'hang in there' and 'don't lose hope'.  And although they mean well, and I value their care and love, it means very little apart from intention because they have no frame of reference at all.  

You want to be on the other side of this fertility mountain, to experience the joys and difficulties of fatherhood but you climb up it for so long, with the peak moving further away as you move towards it that you almost forget that you can make it.  
One way or another there WILL be an end to the struggle.  It might not be the end that you wanted or expected but it can work out.

You, Angus, really didn't want donor... I read your posts months ago; they really moved me then and they still do now.  But here you are, a proud and loving father and ****** me, Angus, if that doesn't make me smile.

Congratulations to you, both for your past experiences of IVF with donor that you have bravely found peace with and for your recent news.

And thanks so much for sharing your story.  You've really helped me.

[Angus]

Now 7 years later................
I remain very lucky.  3 fabulous children and a lovely wife. I love them all deeply and now that is all that matters, as I adore the love they give me.  All of them have great interesting points and all have foibles.   They are all lovely.  Best wishes to all of you on this rocky road.  It is destructive and harsh and inhumane and I truly hope you can all find happiness and contentedness in the long run.  There are many ways to live a fulfilled life.