This is me

[chrisd]

Hi everyone, I am new to this so you will have to bare with me.  Starting a family I thought would be the most natural thing to do, it is after all what makes the world go round.  I have always wanted to be a Dad and think I would make a good job of it too.  Finding the woman of your dreams though isn't so easy but when I eventually did I thought all my Christmas's had come at once.  I met and fell in love with my perfect woman.  Everything in life was perfect, we both knew what we wanted in life and that was eachother.  We had talked about children from an early stage in our relationship but obviously wanted to have our time before the patter of tiny feet came along.  Then after a year or so of talking about it we decided to take the plunge and try and make a little baby, as I said earlier I thought it was the most natural thing in the world to do.

So we started trying fully expecting that within a year we would have the perfect little family and a beautiful little bundle of joy. It started getting to the time that after a month would our hopes and dreams be realised, unfortunately no. It was only the first month so we will keep on trying, that was nearly 3 years ago and no baby yet. After a year we decided that we should think about getting ourselves checked out, I went to have my little men checked and my partner went for blood tests and a scan.  After a wait of 2 weeks I went back for my results, I remember sitting in the waiting room scared to the bones at what my doctor was about to tell me, I went in the consultation room and the news was good, they were a little slow but my doctor told me I should be able to make a baby.  Great I thought.  My partner had her results and again nothing unusual there. 

After a bit more time of trying we went back and were referred to the fertility clinic for more tests.  Another count, more intrusive scans for my partner but again nothing wrong with us. So were left with the result of unexplained fertility.  We are now at the stage of starting IVF, it has been a tough few months, the stress of getting mentally prepared for IVF while all around you friends and family are getting pregnant coupled with the new healthier regime to get our bodies ready for the procedure. We were due to start our first cycle of IVF this morning, at last we are here and ready to go and fingers crossed we will get a beautiful baby and the wait will be worthwhile. But fate can be cruel sometimes, my partner had her blood tests and her scan but her FSH level is too high to start.  Another month to wait.  This is the most natural thing in the world though isn't it?

[robbyb]

Well, good luck to you and your partner, from me and my wife.

We've been going through this whole cycle for a lot less time than you have, Chris, so I can only imagine how edgy and nervous you must feel at this point.  We're nearing the end of this cycle and, although it hasn't been pleasant, I think my wife would agree that the drugs, needles and various medical processes are not as bad as the imagination may conjure up.  So good luck, stay strong together and let us know how you get on.

I think the stress this puts on partnerships is massive.  But you don't half need each other, hey?
Fingers crossed for you, mate.

[chrisd]

Well things have changed since I last logged on.  My partner has been having acupuncture and it seems to have worked a bit for her.  For the past few years her cycles have varied between 21-26 days and since acupuncture she went a full 28 days which is brilliant, she also did not suffer from PMT which between me and you was divine.  It did get our hopes up though and a few thoughts of maybe just maybe did occur but alas it wasn't to be the case. 

We attended the Jessops unit in Sheffield on the 3rd day of her cycle to see if her FSH had dropped below 13.5 and had scans which showed that her ovaries were looking good and the follicles were clearly on show.  Her FSH had dropped to 13.2, not brilliant we know but at least it had gone down.  We were given the go ahead to start on a short protocol using puregon and suprecur.  The dosages are quite high puregon is 250ml and suprecur 50ml. 

We are currently on our 4th day of injections which I am administering to my good lady, was daunting to begin with (feels strange injecting your Mrs) but I am getting the hang of it now.  So far she has had no side effects to the drugs but it is still early days.  She has actually been in the best mood for a long time.  I think this is due to the fact that we might hopefully, all fingers crossed with a rabbits foot in my pocket, horseshoe around my neck and a four leaved clover sticking out of my ear get a positive result.

We are back at Jessops on Monday morning to have more scans and bloods.  Then we should know when egg collection is going to be. 

I wish all of you who are going through IVF the very best of luck.  It has been the biggest rollercoaster of my life and I wouldn't wish this on anyone but as long as we have love for our soulmates and keep a positive outlook on things then life can throw at us what it wishes, it is then that we will be worthy of a life that we know we deserve.

[omar]

Thanks for this Chriss - your message gives me great strength - My wife and I have been in the system............... for some time 3 IUI and 2 IVF all to no avail. We are starting a third one in July - 3 rd time lucky.
All the best to all who helps with this website - let you know how things progress - Eric

[chrisd]

Hi Eric.  It's good to see people using this site, it surprises me that so many people read the posts but hardly anyone says anything. 

Well me and my good lady attended the clinic today to see how things were going with the injections and it was bad news, the scan only showed one ovary with only one follicle.  The other ovary was there but only small.  Also Tracy bled during the scan which was the second time as she bled yesterday after intercourse too.  The nurse said it was probably due to the hormones.

We were told that it looked as though IVF would be cancelled as there were insufficient follicles to continue but we had to wait for the blood results to make sure.  We called the clinic at 2 this afternoon and were told that yes IVF was being cancelled but we were going to have IUI instead.  I have to be at the clinic at 9.30 on Wednesday to do my part then Tracy will be in at 11.30. 

We are really downhearted about IVF being stopped but at least we still have hope with the IUI.

This rollercoaster just doesn't seem to want to slow down. 

[chrisd]

Hi guys just a quickie today.

We went for IUI today and I had to give my sample before my good lady was inseminated.  Now I have been off the booze and caffeine for the last 3 months in preparation for the treatment and it seems to have worked.  I produced 19 million fit and healthy little swimmers which my Mrs has now gladly received.  This was such a surprise as I had previously been told that I had a lot of sperm but only 20% motility so to be told by the nurse that I had produced 4 times the average of a very good quality is fantastic, I just hope they now manage to find their way to utopia.

We are now on a 2 week wait until we go back to the clinic for a pregnancy test.

Message to all you guys, it really does work if you cut out the bad things from your diet, no alcohol, no caffeine = lots of good quality sperm.

Good luck everyone.

[robbyb]

The two week wait is a KILLER!

Wishing you (and is it Tracy?) the very very very best of luck.

[robbyb]

Hey Chris.
How did it go?

I hope you got the result you were after.

[chrisd]

Hi everyone.

Sorry I've been away for so long, we had some really unexpected news and it has hit both my good lady and I really hard.

Well where do I start???  The 2 week wait was just that a long and tiresome wait and unfortunately it was bad news, it hadn't worked, gutted!!!!!!!!!

We were told by the nurse on the helpline to take a bit of time to ourselves and then call back to arrange a follow up appointment.

The follow up appointment was 2 weeks ago, we saw Prof Leger at the Jessops Unit and he told us that the reason it hadn't worked was because my fiancee had poor egg quality, he told us that she had the egg quality of a woman aged 45 (she is 38).  We were really upset by this especially Tracy as you could imagine.  He also told us that there is a good chance that she may start the menoupause early.  What do you say to that?  I couldn't believe what we were being told.  Tracy was in tears, I was dumbstruck.

"You have 2 choices to make" we were told "Have another go at IVF although there is only a 1-2% of it working, or egg donation".

Thanks Prof, keep kicking me in the teeth.

I asked though if it could still happen naturally and the reply was "yes, nature works in mysterious ways"

We decided to have another go, mainly so that if it doesn't work we can call time on this episode and concentrate on egg donation.

We have now been placed on the egg donation waiting list.  I want this if its the only option for us to have the child we so want but it brings up so many issues.  I love my Mrs so much and I know what having a child of her owns means to her, i just hope that if htis is what we eventually end up doing that she copes with it, I know the child will be mine and she will carry it and give birth to it but genetically it will be someone elses. 

I could keep going for ages as I have so much to say but I feel I need to stop for a moment.  Why is it that having a child is the most naturel thing in the world to do but when you really wwant it, it just seems out of fingers reach.

At the moment it is so hard to stay focussed on everyday life, Tracy is a mess, she is so angry and upset and all I want to do is protect her and give her what she wants, Im sure things will get easier but I dont know what to do for the best sometimes, I try and stay positive and upbeat but really all I want to do is shout and lash out but I know that wont do me any good.

Anyway I'll stop rattling on for now and maybe come back when I'm thinking a bit clearer.

[Eric]

So, So sorry things haven't worked out for you both as everyone was hoping for, and not to mention how you were given the very bad news by the doctors, who appeared tactless and unfeeling.
What a sh....... place to be.

Regards walking a fine line with your missis, her emotions, anger and the like, keep going. If she is anything like mine she will come through especially with all the help and support you are giving her, even if it does'nt seem like it at the time.

Good luck for the next hurdle .....

[chrisd]

Life can be cruel.

Had some really bad news this week.  My little brother has been a silly boy and gone and had a one night stand and got the girl pregnant.

3 years of trying and he has a drunken fumble and Bobs your uncle.

What next? may I ask.  I'm actually scared to think.

[chrisd]

Hi Everyone

It doesn't get any easier does it?

We have just found out today that my partners half sister has just given birth to a baby girl.  I really worry about Tracy, she says she is fine about it all but I can tell that it is hurting her inside.  On one hand I know that she is happy to become an Aunt but is really jealous as you can imagine.  I'm just glad that her sister lives over 100 miles away because we couldn't do with all the fuss of a cooing crowd.

I feel really bad feeling this way and I know that Tracy does too but its just so hard to be all happy and joyful.

We have been going to counseling lately and we are finding it a great help as it is making us realise that what we are feeling lately isn't wrong or out of the ordinary.

Any how I have to go and get ready for a wedding now. 

[robbyb]

Well done for going to councilling, Chris.  I've been going with my wife for the last six months.

There's an assumption that if you 'need' councilling then you're a wimp or a wuss or just a bad coper, isn't there?  But it's not like that at all; at least not in my experience.  Our councillor has been brilliant (although she yawns all the time!) even if her entire job is just getting us to talk, be honest and open up.

As for for realising that your feelings aren't out of the ordinary... if you're angry, sad, bitter, tearful, jealous, fed-up, short tempered, frustrated, *****d off, argumentative, unproductive and sodding grumpy...   Then is just shows that you're a functional and normal human being, being stretched to breakling point by the hardest of hard situations.

Never feel bad for feeling bad.  Don't you dare.   

I just came back from a wedding last night.  One of my best friends got married and the other spent most of the day fussing his pregnant wife.  After we'd driven three hours to Manchester we had to leave after two and half  for the three hour drive back... we were expecting a call from our clinic this morning early, so had to be home and in bed promptly!  So even a situation I could genuinely feel glad for was branded by the misery of infertility.

It just seems like joy, joy, joy everywhere you look, doesn't it?  Marriages, births, pregnancies... and all you seem to have in your life is gloom, upset and pain.  This Friday we had to actually ask my parents not to talk to us about my own brother's wedding because it just hurts so much to hear them talking like everything in the world's just peachy.

And it can seem like infertility is a curse that affects more than just your future plans.  It's taken my pride, my diginity, my privacy, my time, my self-esteem, my money and changed my goals and life's plan.  It's caused my parents to judge me, my wife to have doubts about me and it's caused me to doubt myself.

It can seems to rob you of everything important... but STAY POSITIVE... there is always genuine and appropriate hope.  That's why we're all here: to communicate and share experiences and through doing so remaining hopeful. 

I hope Tracy really is ok... the girls undoubtably go through more than us in this process and they seem to suffer all of the same anguishes more keenly than we do for more of the time.  At least, that's what I've observed.

I do hope that there will be some good news around the corner for you

[chrisd]

Thank you for yor kind words Rob.  It is very reassuring to know that people actually understand what you are going through and offer their support.

I know our fertility problems are quite different but I think the emotions that you feel are exactly the same whatever the situation.

We feel as though we are living in our worst nightmare at the moment and all we see at the end is more darkness, its a really good job that Tracy and I are still as madly in love as when we first got together because if we weren't it would have been even more difficult.

Since we had our treatment (started as IVF but made into IUI due to lack of response in the ovaries) it seems as though someone upstairs has been saying "right then what misery can I heap upon Tracy and Chris this week".  I know that sounds paranoid but thats how it feels.  After the failed IUI we decided that we needed a break from all the visits to the hospital and the constant thoughts about getting pregnant, so we decided that we wouldn't have anymore treatment until the new year.  We were going to get back to having a "normal" relationship and de stress from everything, we have got our holidays booked and we are going to sun ourselves for 2 weeks. 

BUT not so.  A week or so after we found out that my silly brother had gone and got his ex girlfriend pregnant after a drunken 1 nighter.  We then found out that my cousin was expecting her 3rd child (she only has to think of a baby and she gets pregnant, the lucky sod) then Tracy's sister has a baby and now to top it all off my pregnant sister in law thinks that we have fallen out with her because we haven't been seeing that much of them.  I dont think she realises just what we are trying to get our heads around, and the last thing that Tracy wants is to sit there listening to her moan about being fat, having swollen ankles and hot flushes especially when Tracy would give her left arm to be suffering from those things.  Now dont get me wrong I get on well with my sister in law but there is a bit of an age difference and she can be a little immature at times and seems to think that the world revolves around her.  She doesn't understand that we have been distancing ourselves from everyone not just her and my brother (not the one who had a 1 nighter, I have 2 brothers, both younger).

Tracy just cannot cope with everything lately and I really worry for her because she is constantly pent up and annoyed, before she wouldn't say boo to a goose but now she is losing her temper at the slightest thing (usually me though and my "typical man" habits.   She keeps saying she just wishes she could run away for a few months, I wish I could too but like most people I dont think our bosses would be too impressed.  Only last night she was wound up over my sister in law and sand by me saying dont let her get to you, you are bigger than that all of a sudden she turned on me, accusing me of being on her side.  I'm not I just deal with my anger in a different way, I'm the sort of person who even if they have a massive problem with someone will not say anything directly because I dont want the aggro of an argument, anything for a peacefull time.

I'm really sorry I know I have just been having a self indulgant rant but this is the only place that I can get it off my chest.  I really cant talk to my friends of family about how we are feeling because as much as they try they have no idea what is the right or wrong thing to say and if I hear "if you stop thinking about it then it will happen" one more time then I think I will scream.

Rob you really seem to get it all and your words really touch a cord, thank you.  I just hope that one day we will be both on here telling everyone about our long struggles and how we are the happy fathers of beautiful babies.  Good luck with everthing and I hope the councelling carries on helping you out.  I know it has helped us, but I'm quite a private person (you may laugh as I am telling you all my thoughts and life story on here but it is anonymous) and I worry about what I might let out because the floodgates opened last time.

Anyway good luck to all you men who are reading this, I just wish that more of you would share your experiences with us.  It really does help. I noticed that over 350 people have read this post but as yet only Rob and Eric have posted something.  I know it can be hard to open up when it is something to private but after all we might be blokes but we still have the same thoughts and fears that the ladies do, we just deal with them in different ways.

Anyway thanks for reading my rant.

Good luck and wishes to you all.

[chrisd]

Well some good news for once.

It is 3 months since our failed IVF/IUI treatment and my better half has at last started to get back to normal.

She was averaging a cycle of 15 days since the treatment which we were told could happen because of the large doses of drugs she had to endure but this month she is at 23 days and not even having any symptons.

I am not naive enough to be getting hopeful but so pleased that at last she is getting back to a normal cycle as I know this has been such a strain on her emotionally and physically.  She actually feels so good that she has gone back to the gym for the first time in months.

I am so proud of her as I know how distraught she has been about being so frequent, I think she would have broke down if it had been another short month.

She has been seeing an acupuncturist for a while now and a couple of months ago started to see a helbalist. 

I have noticed a big difference in her general well being and I'm so happy she is feeling the benefits of it all.  I just hope now that the ancient chinese methods can help us as well as good old western medicine.  After 3 years we are open to anything and we have a good feeling about this.